Rooster’s Ramblings

 You get home from work. You rush to your computer and turn it on. You log into myspace and go to the mail section. You are waiting for a message from you best Internet girlfriend, Betty. The computer jumps into action. After a few seconds it just sits there………… stuck. That little MSN icon on the top right of the screen just flaps in the breeze. Nothing happens. Chance are you are experiencing bandwidth problems.

 

You rush to turn check out your balance at the bank. You just wrote a check and now you don’t remember if you have enough money to cover it in the bank. You log in with your password. You push the button to take you to the correct place to check your balance. And then………nothing happens. All you see is the login screen with the little MSN flag waves in the breeze. Your problem; bandwidth.

 

You overhear a conversation in the next cubicle. That new girl down the hall, Mona, with the humongous headlights, has her own website. She has taken nude pictures of herself and posted them on the Internet. You rush to check out her site moaningmona.com! You are just getting to the good part. You can see the top of her head as the picture becomes clearer and moves down her body. Then………….it stops. All you can see is her head, which isn’t too pretty. Did you see any “headlights”? No! Again, bandwidth problems.

 

According to the Institute Computaire in Paris, lack of bandwidth is the single biggest problem affecting computer users today. Well, that and not getting to see Moaning Mona’s breasts. The Institute will release new findings after a six-month study on the subject in September.

 

Just what is bandwidth and why is it so important in the computer world? Quite simply, bandwidth is the ability for your computer to send and receive data. It is the key to how your computer performs. It is the single most important factor in computer use. Al Gore and I know about bandwidth.

 

The trouble is too many of us use much too much bandwidth. I have written a letter to the I.B.A., the International Bandwidth Association, in Topeka, Kansas asking them to look into the bandwidth situation. I feel we should all be restricted in the use of bandwidth.

 

I don’t use much bandwidth at all. For example, on myspace I have only one picture of myself. I don’t have pictures of my children, former girlfriends, animals, grandparents, my “bestest friend ever” (she’s having sex with your boyfriend!), the family at the lake, the family at Disneyworld, the family at the Grand Canyon, the family at the NASCAR race, a picture of my trailer in Sylacauga, or anything like that. That’s take up too much bandwidth. Plus, when you look like I do only one picture is needed to get the full gist of who I am.

 

On the other end of the spectrum, a friend of mine uses way too much bandwidth. When I see him tomorrow I am going to have to have a talk with him. Once, when my grandmother was old I had to tell her she was just breathing up good air a young person could be breathing! I am going to have to tell my friend he’s using too much bandwidth other computer users could be using.

 

He had a picture of him and J.Lo, but he took that one off and put one of him and Daisy Fuentes up with some kind of smart remark under it. That’s just a waste of bandwidth. There’s also pictures of him and his son. His son’s the little guy who cramps my style every other Friday. Again, just a waste of bandwidth. Then he has his women. It takes him three pages to get all his lady friends on the site. And he doesn’t even have the ones he knows that look the best in his profile. Again, more waste of bandwidth.

 

He’s not the only one wasting bandwidth. Another of my buddies had a picture of his cousin kissing a cow. Don’t ask what they do with the goats! He also had a family picture out at the lake. In the background you can see them pushing Aunt Mabel in the lake. Again, a waste of bandwidth.

 

Bandwidth also comes into play in work situations. Several weeks ago we were faced with a tough and sticky problem at work. We are surveyors and a problem came up. We were called in to solve it. While the other people worried about angles, distances, GPS, and such I knew that was not the problem. When it came time for me to speak, I simply said, “We don’t have enough bandwidth.” In the end that was the problem.

 

So if you are having computer problems chances are you are using too much bandwidth. Take some of the pictures off your site you don’t really need. Your dog is not that cute! Cut down on the music videos that define your existence. I have heard “Whiter Shade of Pale” enough when I have gone to visit your profile. Remember the few of us who conserve bandwidth like San Antonio should conserve water. It’s the only fair thing to do.